sheila

Well there is a lot to say about her, just not sure if i am ready to face this...but here goes.

She sat next to me in chemistry junior year, when she first walked in i had a hard time breathing. Her sheer beauty amazed me, and she was just down to earth and made being beautiful seem effortless. We sat next to each other all year, and talked and went back and forth about stories and just life in general.

After Lani destroyed me it was time for school, besides football i was looking forward to seeing Sheila. My birthday fell on a saturday and all i wanted was to have a date with her. There was something about her(still is) that just made me want to go on a date with her. She was dating soemone else, so I had to just sum up the courage and ask. I did, and it was the dumbest way to ask but it worked. I think she felt sorry for me and thats why she went out with me...not that im complaining.

After we went out that first time, thing took off. She helped me in so many ways over the remainder of the school year. She taught me a lot about myself and the man I wanted to be.

When we went to school at Bloomsburg, i was still in awe of her. I never understood how a woman like her could ever want to be with a man like me, let alone love a man like me. When i found out she cheated on me i felt like jumping off a building, my heart hurt like never before( and has never hurt like that since) i didnt know which way to turn, so i fell into an old family rut and started drinking. As much as I wanted to be with other women i couldnt bring myself to be with anyone else. I actually tried, but when they kissed me it felt wrong, strange, weird, and not her. I know to many that seems strange since i have been with a lot of women, but my head and my heart knew what they wanted.

I dont know if she has ever forgiven me for getting her pregnant and the abortion that followed. Lord knows i wish i was a stronger man back then. I would have done my best to talk her into not having the abortion and marrying me. If i had half the strength now back then i would have married her and had a family. I know I have not forgiven myself for the abortion, i wanted a baby with her, but i was too scared back then to voice my opinion. Scared that she wouldnt love me if i didnt give her what she wanted, or at least what i thought she wanted.

When she started dating pete, i kept my distance. At this point in my life i felt like i didnt fit into her owrld anymore and she moved on...every now and then she wold stop by and visit me, and sometimes when i think back on it i was a booty call, someone to do her school work, or in my heart she was trying to hold onto to me in anyway she could because deep down inside she was waiting for me to step up and be the man she needed and wanted, not just the man she loved.

The last conversation I had with sheila still hurts today and still rings in my ears. It was at tinks upstairs in the dance club she was sitting at the bar and she was pissed at me. It was after thomas and emily were born, and she told me that pete was more of a man then I am or ever will be because at least he is trying to be a father to his child and taking responsibility for his actions. I didnt say anything back to her because coming from her it was probably one of the most painful things i could have ever been told.

I have made some stupid mistakes over the years, and the one that still haunts my heart is that i to this day have never told her how i truelly feel and i doubt that i ever will. Not out of some cowardice, or spinelessness but out of the fact that in telling her how i really feel it will open my heart back up to a pain it has experienced once, and only once. Sheila will forever be the only woman to completely and utterly destroy me and my first and only true broken hearted experience. I have never and probably will never love a woman with all my heart and soul like I did her, and thanks to my inability to stand up and be the man I am now it is lost maybe forever.