dad

Its hard 25 years later to look back and figure out why i have a hard time trying to forgive a man i barely knew. I still have wonderful memories of time spent with him, but how do i go about trying to forgive him. He was by his friends accounts a good man, loved his wife, adored his kids and tried to always be himself. His exwife still loves him to this day, but hates him just the same. Its hard to determine after all these years just why she still harbors both sets of feelings for him. He did cheat on her right before they ended their marriage and he did die leaving their kids fatherless. I dont know if she hasnt forgiven him for leaving us kids, or not giving her the satisfaction of being able to get over loving him like she did. As his son, I have needed a father at times more then anything but due to the circumstances i always had to figure it out on my own. The part that gets me even years later is why did he have to go, so many questions about generational demons like drinking that i could have used his help about, just having him at my games during high school, being there for my wedding day, birth of my children, and coming home from my tours in Iraq.

Someone once asked me why I like the cold so much....(not many people know this)The reason i like the cold so much is the last memory I have of my dad was him laying in the casket at the hughes funeral home in west side, and kissing him on the forehead to say goodbye before we left the funeral home and started with his actual funeral. I always like the cold cause it is the last bit of memory and the only way I can still be connected to my father.

After 25 years, lots of mistakes, heartaches, and just bad things...but dont forget all the good things as well. I went to vist my father's grave and sat down for a bit and just talked to him as if he was there. I made the decision to forgive him. I cannot change what happened with him, and through all my trials and tribulations I hope i have turned out to be a good man, good father, and good friend.