Wow things took a turn for the holy shit right before christmas. I went out on a limb and sent my fiancee home to spend a little portion of the holiday with her family since it was her first this far away from home, and what do I get for my troubles...she fucks another man....and then first lies to me and tells me that its her cousin, then comes clean about it and now acts like everything is fine between us. I put on a great face for the kids and will not under any circumstances ruin their holiday season, but things are not even decent between us.
I dont even like being in the same room with her right now cause all i want to do is scream at her and call her names....I mean how could she do this shit to me, there was nothing really wrong before she left and to go and do this to me is beyond understanding. How she could have put us in this position is beyond e being able to understand. I never put myself in a position where I may endanger my relationship...esp if she send me home on a trip that she paid for.
Its not making any sense to me what so ever, with everything else going on with me and the army you figure that this shit wouldnt happen. She is aware of everything that is going on with the army, but does this shit anyways. If she wants out all she had to do was tell me...I would have been fine with her leaving and not coming back. Hell now I have to make arrangements that I would have had done by now if she had just been upfront and told me what is going on.
Im so angry hurt and frustrated cause not only did she hurt me, but she has put me in a position where I have to hurt my kids or live with her and be miserable and mistrusting for the rest of my life. I am torn cause I dont want to hurt the kids but at the same time I have to be fair to myself as well.....I dont know what to do, but I am sure as always I will be able to figure it out.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
HMMMMM
Sitting home getting ready to watch MNF after a weekend in my hometown, ive been thinking that im very upset that my shoulder is not able to at least let me finish out the remainder of my contract with the army. I mean I have tried to look at this in every way possible and I still cant help but feeling angry with the army for doing this to me in the first place.
The bonus is that I will get to be around the kids a lot more, and not have to worry about deploying anytime every again. I have been slowly looking for a job since I do not have a definate word that they are sending me to a med board just yet. I have even been looking at houses in my home area to see what the market looks like, I would rather buy a house then rent....I want to start building memories with the kids in one place, rather then all over the country like we have been.
I hope that the army pays me a little bit on the way out the door, if I have to I will claim bankruptcy to remove the rest of the debt and get my student loans under control so that I can get the house....and I want a decent to good job. Something that lets me make a decent living and allows me to be home with my kids so that I can raise them and be around my friends and family and god-daughters.....hopefully its not going to be a pipe dream this time.
As for brette, I honestly feel that if i end up in my hometown or somewhere that she cannot go home but maybe and I mean maybe once every two or three years that she will not stay, and at this point in my life thats fine with me. My main concern is my kid and making them happy, if that means finding a job in my hometown and raising my kids like i was raised thats fine with me....
after all they are the most important priority in my life and I will do anything to make them happy and raise them right
The bonus is that I will get to be around the kids a lot more, and not have to worry about deploying anytime every again. I have been slowly looking for a job since I do not have a definate word that they are sending me to a med board just yet. I have even been looking at houses in my home area to see what the market looks like, I would rather buy a house then rent....I want to start building memories with the kids in one place, rather then all over the country like we have been.
I hope that the army pays me a little bit on the way out the door, if I have to I will claim bankruptcy to remove the rest of the debt and get my student loans under control so that I can get the house....and I want a decent to good job. Something that lets me make a decent living and allows me to be home with my kids so that I can raise them and be around my friends and family and god-daughters.....hopefully its not going to be a pipe dream this time.
As for brette, I honestly feel that if i end up in my hometown or somewhere that she cannot go home but maybe and I mean maybe once every two or three years that she will not stay, and at this point in my life thats fine with me. My main concern is my kid and making them happy, if that means finding a job in my hometown and raising my kids like i was raised thats fine with me....
after all they are the most important priority in my life and I will do anything to make them happy and raise them right
Kacy
Ive been avoiding this one, and a few more for a while now but have the oppertunity to sit down and write so I feel that I should stop avoiding and start writing.
I met her when things in my life were screwed up and complicated. I was spinning around everyday trying to help the kids get over the fact that their mom left, and trying to figure me out as well. She came in and laid down the ground rules between us, which made things much easier for me in the beginning. No worries or trying to figure out what she wanted from me, she told me upfront what she wanted.
As things progressed between us, she was becoming a more permant fixture in my house and my life. All of this scared me a bit since I just was left a few months earlier by my exwife. She was always there sometimes just sitting there with me, watching a movie, or just listening to music and talking about our days. The little things that mattered most in life before her didnt matter much...she gave them meaning again. to say that I was falling in love with her would be an obvious and accurate statement, but since I was still reeling from the crap kelly did to me I fought this at every turn.
I was so scared of her and how she made me feel that I went ahead and screwed her over(at the time)to make her go away from me, it seems to be the easiest way for me to handle things, and it makes things easier for them as well. I made a lot of bad decisions over the course of time that we didnt talk.
hell she didnt talk to me for a few months, cause of how I treated her at the end and the person that I was with didnt want her around me at all. I didnt blame her for not talking to me, I deserved it more then I still really want to admit. I decided to text her one day hoping she would respond and we could at least be friends. I got very lucky she did respond to me and we have been friends...there is a part of me that will always feel bad for being a chicken and running away from my feelings for her. There is no excuse for what I did to make her go away, I should have been a man and just told her that I was all wrong for her and then let her make her decisions based on that. Hind sight is always 20/20 and this just proves it more and more. I cant have her by my side as my partner, that is reserved for her man Steve, but I do have her in my life and she has been a constant source for me to lean on when things are at their craziest.
In the end she is happy with her man, and I have my life.....
I met her when things in my life were screwed up and complicated. I was spinning around everyday trying to help the kids get over the fact that their mom left, and trying to figure me out as well. She came in and laid down the ground rules between us, which made things much easier for me in the beginning. No worries or trying to figure out what she wanted from me, she told me upfront what she wanted.
As things progressed between us, she was becoming a more permant fixture in my house and my life. All of this scared me a bit since I just was left a few months earlier by my exwife. She was always there sometimes just sitting there with me, watching a movie, or just listening to music and talking about our days. The little things that mattered most in life before her didnt matter much...she gave them meaning again. to say that I was falling in love with her would be an obvious and accurate statement, but since I was still reeling from the crap kelly did to me I fought this at every turn.
I was so scared of her and how she made me feel that I went ahead and screwed her over(at the time)to make her go away from me, it seems to be the easiest way for me to handle things, and it makes things easier for them as well. I made a lot of bad decisions over the course of time that we didnt talk.
hell she didnt talk to me for a few months, cause of how I treated her at the end and the person that I was with didnt want her around me at all. I didnt blame her for not talking to me, I deserved it more then I still really want to admit. I decided to text her one day hoping she would respond and we could at least be friends. I got very lucky she did respond to me and we have been friends...there is a part of me that will always feel bad for being a chicken and running away from my feelings for her. There is no excuse for what I did to make her go away, I should have been a man and just told her that I was all wrong for her and then let her make her decisions based on that. Hind sight is always 20/20 and this just proves it more and more. I cant have her by my side as my partner, that is reserved for her man Steve, but I do have her in my life and she has been a constant source for me to lean on when things are at their craziest.
In the end she is happy with her man, and I have my life.....
Saturday, December 3, 2011
inner workings of my mind
There are times that looking in the mirror other then to shave, that I dont want to do. When I look in the mirror I have no clue who that man is looking back at me. He looks like me, but yet he doesnt seem like me at all.
Take away my children, and there are days Im not sure about anything. I will say that my children are what keeps me sane, sound, and in control. I have to maintain control for them, I dont want them to look at me the way I still look at my mom, and I will NEVER put them through the hell she put me through.
I push them with school all the time, Yes they are my kids and talented with sports but I would rather have them get a full academic scholarship then have to use sports to get anywhere. Not saying that they cant be both, but being a student athlete, the student part is pushed much harder.
I look around my house, and I see all of these material possesion that make me wonder who is living in my house. Growing up I never really cared about the material things I didnt have and was always content to just try and be happy.
The other day my Soldiers and I got into a conversation about the holidays. One of them asked me if while deployed I missed the holidays and all i replied with was I missed my kids and their enjoyment...nothing more. I hate the holidays..
When I thought about the conversation I thought long and hard as to why I hate the holidays. It finally occurred to me why I hate the holidays, and there are two reasons...one is going to stay with me since I dont feel like telling, and the other is thats when I noticed that I was not getting treated the same as Brian and Adam. I noticed that Brian always got the new stuff and the stuff he wanted, and Adam always got a lot more then me..but it was always more expensive. It wasnt the amount or the price that bothered me it was the way that my family treated both of them v. how they treated me.
Great case in point is my aunt char...she has always favored my older brother and even at my older two daughters Bday party brought up that she still feels that my mother favored me over them. While she was standing with my Brian. Who on earth brings that kind of crap up...its things like that, as to the reason that I didnt want to come home. Its years and years later and she still cant get over the fact that I was better then anyone else in the family at sports, even her precious son....( jason and I dont compete anymore so neither of us care) Yes my mother favored me with sports, but why shouldnt she, I was the one out there playing the sports and excelling at them. She should back her son who was good at sports.
I work my ass off with the army..I deal with shit that most of the people I know couldnt deal with or they would have joined the army. I deal with injuries that would have crippled a lesser man, and I know this..its a constant reminder that Im either crazy or I love my kids that much....personally I think its a bit of both..
Take away my children, and there are days Im not sure about anything. I will say that my children are what keeps me sane, sound, and in control. I have to maintain control for them, I dont want them to look at me the way I still look at my mom, and I will NEVER put them through the hell she put me through.
I push them with school all the time, Yes they are my kids and talented with sports but I would rather have them get a full academic scholarship then have to use sports to get anywhere. Not saying that they cant be both, but being a student athlete, the student part is pushed much harder.
I look around my house, and I see all of these material possesion that make me wonder who is living in my house. Growing up I never really cared about the material things I didnt have and was always content to just try and be happy.
The other day my Soldiers and I got into a conversation about the holidays. One of them asked me if while deployed I missed the holidays and all i replied with was I missed my kids and their enjoyment...nothing more. I hate the holidays..
When I thought about the conversation I thought long and hard as to why I hate the holidays. It finally occurred to me why I hate the holidays, and there are two reasons...one is going to stay with me since I dont feel like telling, and the other is thats when I noticed that I was not getting treated the same as Brian and Adam. I noticed that Brian always got the new stuff and the stuff he wanted, and Adam always got a lot more then me..but it was always more expensive. It wasnt the amount or the price that bothered me it was the way that my family treated both of them v. how they treated me.
Great case in point is my aunt char...she has always favored my older brother and even at my older two daughters Bday party brought up that she still feels that my mother favored me over them. While she was standing with my Brian. Who on earth brings that kind of crap up...its things like that, as to the reason that I didnt want to come home. Its years and years later and she still cant get over the fact that I was better then anyone else in the family at sports, even her precious son....( jason and I dont compete anymore so neither of us care) Yes my mother favored me with sports, but why shouldnt she, I was the one out there playing the sports and excelling at them. She should back her son who was good at sports.
I work my ass off with the army..I deal with shit that most of the people I know couldnt deal with or they would have joined the army. I deal with injuries that would have crippled a lesser man, and I know this..its a constant reminder that Im either crazy or I love my kids that much....personally I think its a bit of both..
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Megan Fuller
Here is an interesting blog..this one might have heads spinning.
I met megan during the summer of 1998. She was working at the eynon movie theaters and a group of us went there to see a movie. I met her through Rob, and her boss Kerri liked me, but it was megan that caught my interest. Kerri was the type of valley girl that wouldnt work well with me, and I told her that but she always tried anyways.
Meg and I hung out all the time, she was a pitcher with softball so she asked me to start catching for her, and I agreed since it was sports and I love sports. Our friendship developed from there, and it was and is very strong. There were moments that were very special to us...and we shared them and I cant thank her enough. When I need a smile I think of the special moments and it always brings a smile to my face.
Meg has been there with me since 1998, and never judged me, although she has had ample oppertunity to. I have stuck by her side through so much that when the shit hits the fan its natural for me to seek her out to walk through hell with me. She was there for me during the domestic relations battles with carol, through tracy and that crap, and even though kelly didnt like her( actually hated her) she was always there for me through that 7.5 year rocky as hell relationship(marriage)
I met megan during the summer of 1998. She was working at the eynon movie theaters and a group of us went there to see a movie. I met her through Rob, and her boss Kerri liked me, but it was megan that caught my interest. Kerri was the type of valley girl that wouldnt work well with me, and I told her that but she always tried anyways.
Meg and I hung out all the time, she was a pitcher with softball so she asked me to start catching for her, and I agreed since it was sports and I love sports. Our friendship developed from there, and it was and is very strong. There were moments that were very special to us...and we shared them and I cant thank her enough. When I need a smile I think of the special moments and it always brings a smile to my face.
Meg has been there with me since 1998, and never judged me, although she has had ample oppertunity to. I have stuck by her side through so much that when the shit hits the fan its natural for me to seek her out to walk through hell with me. She was there for me during the domestic relations battles with carol, through tracy and that crap, and even though kelly didnt like her( actually hated her) she was always there for me through that 7.5 year rocky as hell relationship(marriage)
Jennifer(Mcgurrin) Gnell
Now if there is ever someone who deserves woman of the year, she should have won the award a few years running. Being a very close friend to me has not always been easy, and lord knows she probably would have loved to walk away and wish she never met me(i dont blame her), yet she has always been there for me and is always brutally honest.( even when i dont want her to be)
I met Jen while working at Hills Dept Store back when we were much younger, and I was a lot more full of myself.(basically immature) We became friends instantly and we spent so much time together that everyone thought there was something more then friends between us.
She has stood by my side during the infamous summer of the dirty(lani) when my whole summer was turned upside down going into senior year. She was standing there or near me when my mom found out that I had sex for the first time. ( that was not a fun day at all)
She stood by me when I started dating Sheila and stood fast when everything went bat shit crazy a few times. Never once did she walk away and I did my best to push everyone away from me, yet as stubborn as she is, she never listened.( I am thankful for this fact many times over)
She stood by my side when my grandfather passed away, when I was dating jessica D, the being away at school (bloomsburg) and then coming home to LJC.
The only problem that we had between us was over carol and thomas. Not saying she was right or wrong during the whole time, but looking back on it all she was trying to get me to do was be the man I am today back then. Unfortuantely I was not a man back then, just a simple 19 yr old boy who made boys choices, but in the end made a man's decision that I still stand by today.
When things have been at their worst, she is a rock and I know that I can count on her. When I found out that she was prgenant, I was so happy for her. She was going to be, and is a great mother. For her to be blessed with a child just made everything complete for her, and seeing her with her son proves that.
Without Jen in my life over the years I am not sure if i would have turned out like this. I may have been a drunk in a ditch, or made some other bad choices and not turned out like I have.( still unsure if its good or bad)
Let me say thank you to Jen for always telling me the brutal truth with total honesty.
I met Jen while working at Hills Dept Store back when we were much younger, and I was a lot more full of myself.(basically immature) We became friends instantly and we spent so much time together that everyone thought there was something more then friends between us.
She has stood by my side during the infamous summer of the dirty(lani) when my whole summer was turned upside down going into senior year. She was standing there or near me when my mom found out that I had sex for the first time. ( that was not a fun day at all)
She stood by me when I started dating Sheila and stood fast when everything went bat shit crazy a few times. Never once did she walk away and I did my best to push everyone away from me, yet as stubborn as she is, she never listened.( I am thankful for this fact many times over)
She stood by my side when my grandfather passed away, when I was dating jessica D, the being away at school (bloomsburg) and then coming home to LJC.
The only problem that we had between us was over carol and thomas. Not saying she was right or wrong during the whole time, but looking back on it all she was trying to get me to do was be the man I am today back then. Unfortuantely I was not a man back then, just a simple 19 yr old boy who made boys choices, but in the end made a man's decision that I still stand by today.
When things have been at their worst, she is a rock and I know that I can count on her. When I found out that she was prgenant, I was so happy for her. She was going to be, and is a great mother. For her to be blessed with a child just made everything complete for her, and seeing her with her son proves that.
Without Jen in my life over the years I am not sure if i would have turned out like this. I may have been a drunk in a ditch, or made some other bad choices and not turned out like I have.( still unsure if its good or bad)
Let me say thank you to Jen for always telling me the brutal truth with total honesty.
Wow
Its been a while since I have last posted. THings went kind of crazy in my life with section certification and getting ready for the field, then coming home to the holiday weekend.
Where did I become a materialistic person? I looked in the mirror yesterday and I almost didnt know who I was looking at. He looks like me but he is not me, I stared for a few minutes just to make sure it was really me.
I was never about material things, never cared who had a better car, better clothes, newer stuff. I was always content with just being me and having the things that I do. Has the army turned me into the type of person that I grew up hating? Was it cause of deployments that I started to turn out like this? Was it cause of kelly always buying new things with my money? All of these are great questions but the answer is still simple.....I turned into something I grew up hating.
When I was growing up I never cared who had the newest, best, most expenisve...brian and adam always care about that stuff. Me I was always a simple person, and prided myself on that simple fact. I was more content with having a book to read then a new game for the game system we had at the time.
I can remember one xmas when my mom bought me a gold chain that she wanted me to wear, It was very nice. I was already wearing a chain that was bought for me, and my mom's arguement was that it was nicer and newer and she wanted me to wear it. I told her thank you but I was already wearing a chain, and liked wearing it and didnt want to change. She got pissed at me and took the chain back...I was a simple person then and somewhere along the way I forgot that.
I checked my bank account and saw that I really have no money, Im trying to figure out how that is possible. Its not cause of the kids, they are always taken care of, and its not food...there is plenty in the house...so how come I dont have any money. I looked at my tv and saw both the game systems I have and realized that I have some of the latest and newest games....I have been spending too much time playing games lately. I developed that habit while I was married to kelly and when she would start her crazy crap I would get into a video game to get away from her. When she left me I went head first into video games just to escape my thoughts. Not the wrong answer but no where near the right answer as well.
With my shoulder hurting more and more each day( of course I hide this fact cause I hate to be considered a whiner) Its forced me to look into myself and see what the hell is going on with me. Not liking the answers very much, and according to one very close source I may not like what I find but I need to deal with it in order to move forward( Lucy)
Where did I become a materialistic person? I looked in the mirror yesterday and I almost didnt know who I was looking at. He looks like me but he is not me, I stared for a few minutes just to make sure it was really me.
I was never about material things, never cared who had a better car, better clothes, newer stuff. I was always content with just being me and having the things that I do. Has the army turned me into the type of person that I grew up hating? Was it cause of deployments that I started to turn out like this? Was it cause of kelly always buying new things with my money? All of these are great questions but the answer is still simple.....I turned into something I grew up hating.
When I was growing up I never cared who had the newest, best, most expenisve...brian and adam always care about that stuff. Me I was always a simple person, and prided myself on that simple fact. I was more content with having a book to read then a new game for the game system we had at the time.
I can remember one xmas when my mom bought me a gold chain that she wanted me to wear, It was very nice. I was already wearing a chain that was bought for me, and my mom's arguement was that it was nicer and newer and she wanted me to wear it. I told her thank you but I was already wearing a chain, and liked wearing it and didnt want to change. She got pissed at me and took the chain back...I was a simple person then and somewhere along the way I forgot that.
I checked my bank account and saw that I really have no money, Im trying to figure out how that is possible. Its not cause of the kids, they are always taken care of, and its not food...there is plenty in the house...so how come I dont have any money. I looked at my tv and saw both the game systems I have and realized that I have some of the latest and newest games....I have been spending too much time playing games lately. I developed that habit while I was married to kelly and when she would start her crazy crap I would get into a video game to get away from her. When she left me I went head first into video games just to escape my thoughts. Not the wrong answer but no where near the right answer as well.
With my shoulder hurting more and more each day( of course I hide this fact cause I hate to be considered a whiner) Its forced me to look into myself and see what the hell is going on with me. Not liking the answers very much, and according to one very close source I may not like what I find but I need to deal with it in order to move forward( Lucy)
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