Crazy things....

Well today was a messed up day on so many levels. I went to physical therapy today and got told that my shoulder is getting worse. I have to call and make an appt with my dr to see about starting the medical board process. So yay, the army is thinking about getting rid of me. then i go to my unit and after leaving my house for like 30 min, i get a text from my fiance telling me that she feels unwanted here with me and the kids. I told her if i wanted her gone i would tell her to get out and not come back. Throw on top of that she told me that she will not live in pa if the army gets rid of me..well PA is my home state and if i can get a job in my home area i am going there and raising my kids, like i was raised. I dont understand why she came here with me if she wasnt willing to move where ever i get a job army or not. then work was just stupid, getting yelled at for dumb shit. I just dont understand why she moved to NY with me knowing that i chose this base because it was the closest to my hometown. I have to get back there more to visit with friends and family

Life...or something like it

I know in the middle of finding out who the man in the mirror is there are random posts about whats going on with me but i have come to realize that it is part of finding out who that man really is.

I have been doing some research about what the army can do with me, and none of it is good. the army can try to reclass me but with the army drawing down it is not a likely option. More then likely they will med board me and end up paying me, now that can range from very little to a good amount so i have been looking at alternate jobs...only thing is that i am only looking in PA since i want to be home. I have looked into a few different fields and all of them are looking great, just have to take a few tests to determine which ones i can do.

After mentioning it to brette, i cant see her staying with me after the army. Something tells me that if i take a job in PA and dont bother looking in OK or taking a job in OK she will want to walk out that door. That is fine with me...just let me get the job and get through any training that I need to before she leaves. I would love to get a job in my hometown and be around family and friends..at least that way i know the kids are growing up in the same area that I did...just have to be smart about where I live and make sure that family can help me watch the kids when it comes to work...there will be a lot of changes...some i am ok with and some i am looking forward to...some are not good and some i dont want to deal with...

As long at the kids are ok, happy, and we make it work i will be fine...i really want to be around family and friends to help through this troubled time...if she leave good bye i will be fine and figure things out like i always do...if she stays...well that might not happen anyways so why even bother worring about it.

Jean L

I met her at a cross road in my life, even for the ripe young age of 19 it was a major turning point in my evolution.

I was friends with her brother, and one night we were at a party at his house when i first met her, she was absolutly beautiful. She was tall with long legs, a great smile, a killer personality, and a beautiful body. At the time i was so into getting drunk that it was the natural thing for me to get her a few drinks. Both of us were pretty drunk, and man could she drink with the best of them.

We hooked up and even though she wanted to have sex, i couldnt bring myself to have sex with her since she was so drunk, so i just put her to bed slept myself and left the next morning.

We started dating for the rest of the summer, and in the middle of the summer my son Thomas was born. After being with my son all i wanted to do was be a good dad and i left her heart broken to try and make things work with my sons mom. It was not an easy decision and one that i am not proud of but i was trying to do the best that i can for my son.

Fast forward a few years, I was playing baseball in the summer and as I was getting ready to play in a game who do i see but jean watching the game. I found out later that her plan was to get me to fall in love with her and then drop me on my head so i knew how it felt. Safe to say that the plan didnt work. We dated for a while and i ended it when i came to realize that she wouldnt stand up to her parents about me. If she loved me like she said then it would have been no problem but i never gave her the chance to prove it either way and I left her...months later I saw her again but i was already married and she was beyond pissed at me and she had the right to be after the way i treated her..she was a bit of a whore in college but i saw the good in her.

bring it to the nearer present, i started talking to her again right when i needed her friendship the most...during my divorce and the subsequent bullshit with my exwife. We managed to hash our the past a bit and i dont blame her for having a jaded opinion of me at times. i did break her heart twice...she has turned out to be a great mom, and as always a good woman and a good friend.

She is still important to me cause no matter what i get total honesty eve if i dont want to hear it

rant and rave

Tonight is just a blah type of night. My mouth hurts from oral surgery two days ago and i am trying not to take the damn pain pills...i dont want to depend on them to get through a day.

Been looking at what life could be like after the army..im close to home and dont really want to leave the area again. I dont think that things are going to work out with my fiance, since she wants to return to OK and i dont want to go anywhere but my hometown. I miss being home...i always wanted to be at a huge cookout with my friends and family and have that generational friendship with other families. I want my kids to be friends with my friends kids and so on and so forth, i want my kids to have normal lilves and grow up where i grew up. I have hidden my past from them because i dont want them following in my footsteps and doing all the stuff i did, when i think about it now i want my son to know who i was and would love for him to play at my alma matter even wear my number. I think that would be something great, i would love to be able to hang out with my friends again and just relax and get through life....not sure if this is going to happen or not but its still wishful thinking on my part. i dont want to go home and struggle like i did before i joined the army....that is the one huge questionmark with all of this...that and if she will stay or leave......who knows but its always a great thing to have the support of my friends..they have kept me strong through some rough times

Carol

I met her during the summer i was dating Jess. It was a quick meeting since i was drunk and i dont remember much about the meeting. THe next time i saw her was at physicals for sports at Lackawanna college. It was right after my grandfather passed away and i was all sorts of distraught.

We started talking and eventually she came over...mind you at this time i was screwing any female that was willing....We started talking and the next thing I know she is naked and we are having sex. She didnt want to use a condom cause she liked the real feel and of course i didnt mind...i would say that i was stupid but years later i wouldnt do that to Thomas.

During her pregnancy things were all sorts of crazy..one minute she wanted me near and the next she wanted to shoot me, her parents were not the nicest people in the world and wanted me to stop school take care of carol and the baby and then go back after she finished school.

Her entire family made things very difficult on me, coupled with the fact that her now hunsband hated my guts and did everything he could to screw me over in her eyes...

looking back on it all now the only regret i have is that i didnt stick with things and make them work with thomas and i will always feel like i took the cowards way out...even though things worked out for the best for him...he has a great life and a good family..its all i ever hoped for him..

Jess D

I met her through some friends right after I came home from Bloomsburg for the summer. She had a great smile, and of course was beautiful and big chested. After meeting her i started to like her and spent lots of time with her. We started dating, but the problem was is she expected me to be someone else. Its like she had a mold that she wanted me to fit into and towards the end when she was getting ready to head to college i didnt fit the mold anymore. She didnt want me talking to anyone but her friends, and that wasnt happening. I was still talking to Sheila, and even though my heart was torn after what she did to me, i had to keep her in my life.

Jess and I never had sex, not that i didnt try but honestly enough it never played a part in our relationship. It was very strange from any other rleationship I have had since. It was never about sex, it was about being together. She was/is a good woman...just was always acting like she deserved better and was better then me, made me feel like i was just a summer toy to her...a name and a face that had some local recognition and a stepping stone for her in life.

I ended it before the end of the summer cause all of that finally made me realize that i didnt want to be with someone like that. I wanted needed and deserved to be with someone who didnt care about anything I did or will do, but someone who wanted to me be with just me...cause in the end i am the only thing i can give....

Just thinking

Im sitting here tonight watching football and trying to figure out my next move. If all works out well i should graduate and have the diploma by the middle of next month. That opens up a different world for me, now I can look into law school, and deep down inside i can relax and not have to push as hard with the army anymore since i now have a degree to fall back on. Part of me wants to walk into the dr office and tell him that its time for me to get out and go home, the problem is that part of me wants to go where there is a job for me, and the other part wants to go home to Scranton area and raise my kids with my friends and their kids. I know that the fiance does not want to go back and if i figure out that is where i want to go, then i guess she will have to make a decision. I just want to be home with friends and family and just relax and enjoy the rest of my life, maybe be a coach and just enjoy my kids. Who knows, if she leaves i wont be as upset if i am home with friends and family.....guess we will see as time goes on....just want to be happy all the way around

Jen E.

Right around spring break from college in 97( and a break from other things as well) I came home to visit with friends and relax. I started hanging out with jen, who was dating/dated my brother Brian. It just depends on who you ask if they were together or not. Sheila wanted nothing to do with me and actually didnt talk to me over the spring break until it was time to go back to college and she needed a ride. I found out after the first night through different sources that jen liked me, not that brian wanted to hear that cause he still wanted her. I started to hang out with jen more, and i started to like her more then friends. We hung out one night, got drunk and i remember calling my brother and asking him if he had any objections to me and jen hooking up. Yes we were drinking, but i wanted to make sure that it was ok with my brother, and he answered yes. Jen was sitting on my lap and heard him say it was ok. I hung up the phone and hooked up with jen. It was unique to me, she wasnt sheila and yet it felt good. She made me feel wanted in a way that Sheila never did. I was afraid of how that felt since Sheila was still on my mind and in my heart. I still owe jen something marvin the martian from that night.

The week ended and I went back to school, and i didnt hear from jen and the few times that i tried to call either my brother would answer or someone else and they told me that Jen didnt want to talk to me ever again. I didnt understand what happened or why, well i didnt find out until a few years later. I found out that jen thought she might be pregnant. She wrote me letters which i never got telling me this. Instead of me finding out and being a responsible man and making things work with her, my brother made sure that i didnt find out and consoled her. He said he was willing to take the responsibility of the baby and not let me find out.

If i had found out that jen might have been preg, i would have figured out a way to make things work, she was a beautiful woman and could keep me smiling. I was bewildered trying to figure out what happened whne i was at school, why didnt she want to talk to me anymore. I found out the whole story years later, and all i could do was apologize to her for not knowing or acting on it. Im glad that years later we are still good friends and i can lean on her for support

sheila

Well there is a lot to say about her, just not sure if i am ready to face this...but here goes.

She sat next to me in chemistry junior year, when she first walked in i had a hard time breathing. Her sheer beauty amazed me, and she was just down to earth and made being beautiful seem effortless. We sat next to each other all year, and talked and went back and forth about stories and just life in general.

After Lani destroyed me it was time for school, besides football i was looking forward to seeing Sheila. My birthday fell on a saturday and all i wanted was to have a date with her. There was something about her(still is) that just made me want to go on a date with her. She was dating soemone else, so I had to just sum up the courage and ask. I did, and it was the dumbest way to ask but it worked. I think she felt sorry for me and thats why she went out with me...not that im complaining.

After we went out that first time, thing took off. She helped me in so many ways over the remainder of the school year. She taught me a lot about myself and the man I wanted to be.

When we went to school at Bloomsburg, i was still in awe of her. I never understood how a woman like her could ever want to be with a man like me, let alone love a man like me. When i found out she cheated on me i felt like jumping off a building, my heart hurt like never before( and has never hurt like that since) i didnt know which way to turn, so i fell into an old family rut and started drinking. As much as I wanted to be with other women i couldnt bring myself to be with anyone else. I actually tried, but when they kissed me it felt wrong, strange, weird, and not her. I know to many that seems strange since i have been with a lot of women, but my head and my heart knew what they wanted.

I dont know if she has ever forgiven me for getting her pregnant and the abortion that followed. Lord knows i wish i was a stronger man back then. I would have done my best to talk her into not having the abortion and marrying me. If i had half the strength now back then i would have married her and had a family. I know I have not forgiven myself for the abortion, i wanted a baby with her, but i was too scared back then to voice my opinion. Scared that she wouldnt love me if i didnt give her what she wanted, or at least what i thought she wanted.

When she started dating pete, i kept my distance. At this point in my life i felt like i didnt fit into her owrld anymore and she moved on...every now and then she wold stop by and visit me, and sometimes when i think back on it i was a booty call, someone to do her school work, or in my heart she was trying to hold onto to me in anyway she could because deep down inside she was waiting for me to step up and be the man she needed and wanted, not just the man she loved.

The last conversation I had with sheila still hurts today and still rings in my ears. It was at tinks upstairs in the dance club she was sitting at the bar and she was pissed at me. It was after thomas and emily were born, and she told me that pete was more of a man then I am or ever will be because at least he is trying to be a father to his child and taking responsibility for his actions. I didnt say anything back to her because coming from her it was probably one of the most painful things i could have ever been told.

I have made some stupid mistakes over the years, and the one that still haunts my heart is that i to this day have never told her how i truelly feel and i doubt that i ever will. Not out of some cowardice, or spinelessness but out of the fact that in telling her how i really feel it will open my heart back up to a pain it has experienced once, and only once. Sheila will forever be the only woman to completely and utterly destroy me and my first and only true broken hearted experience. I have never and probably will never love a woman with all my heart and soul like I did her, and thanks to my inability to stand up and be the man I am now it is lost maybe forever.

Lani

I figured that the best way for me to understand me is to start at the beginning of all the women in my life..or at least the key ones and let my thoughts be known and maybe figure out me somewhere in the process.


The title says it all, she was the first woman that i slept with, and the first woman to totally destroy my heart and mess with my head. It was the summer going into my senior year, we met and started dating, and things eventually led to sex. The first time was actually kind of funny cause in the middle of my Jason Sciartilli called me and tried to have a conversation with me. I used a condom but didnt understand at that time just what was going on with future events.

A few weeks later we broke up, and yes she was also my first love, or should i say lust. When we broke up she told me that she was pregnant and it was mine. I dont remember much of the next few days or weeks, my head was spinning at what all of it meant with school, sports and life in general. Eventually my mom found out and when she got involved the story changed and she said it was a false alarm. I was destroyed by this point, i thought my school days would be to help pay for the coming baby and i was raised to do the right thing and i was prepared to marry her. God i was naive.

I didnt speak to her for years, and then one day i was talking to tara her sister and from there tara asked me to take her to NY so she could see her mother. I had no problem with that, and while there started talking to Lani again. The devious side of me wanted to get back with her so i could get even with her. It started out that way, i had designs to get even with her in every which way i could. I made sure after i found out she cheated on me I found a coworker who found me attractive and cheated on Lani to get even. Hell i wasnt even upset that she cheated on me, since i figure she would anyways.

I ended up spending my income tax moving her and her son willie back to pa so she could be closer to her father and sister. Things were ok between us, and after a while i noticed that things were starting to get a little different and i suspected and later confirmed that she was cheating on me again. This time i didnt bother cheating on her, but i started saving money to leave her, and one day i just up and left her high and dry. I felt since she wanted to be with another man that he could take care of her i was done. Since then i havnt bothered with her, but i wouldnt be surprised if she cheated on her husband every chance she got.

mom

Growing up after the death of my dad was beyond rough. Still not sure if my mother loved me until after i was done with sports. SHe was always so high on me with sports and was always willing to travel if it meant i could show off my skills. Hell I remember when we had all star tournaments in both pa and ny sometimes in the same day and she was more then happy to be at allt he games. Yes she complained about the drive, but she never made me feel like she was there cause she loved me.

SHe always had a dream of me being center stage on national tv playing football, and when the game was over just saying i owed it all to my mom.. Years later and with a family of my own i have understood that i will never know if that woman loved me for me or for sports when i was growing up, and now i think its more out of guilt then anything else.

Being the middle of three boys was difficult. You had brian the first born who always got what he wanted even if it was mine. Then you had adam who was and still the baby boy. Take a for instance with adam...my mom moves with him to help him with his daughter while his wife is in training to be an officer in the army. After his exwife gets back home and they are leading a normal life she is still there watching his daughter and letting him be basically a free man who can act like he doesnt have kids unless he wants to. Meanwhile I am divorced and raising four kids alone and could use help, the only time she decided to help me is if i will pay for her gas and a little bit of food to come downa nd watch the kids so i can go to the field. She moves down with me for a few months then finally deicdes to start dating again and then meets her boyfriend and leaves me and the kids. A few members of the family are still pissed at her for leaving me and the kids in the lurch like that, if i didnt tell her to go she would have made my life totally miserable. She would have come to NY with me and been miserable the whole time even after she got a job.

she made excuses for brian's felony cnviction for being stupid with the mail, made excuses for all of the bullshit adam has done, and always put me to the fire when i did something wrong.

I dont know if i can forgive her ever for the way she treated me when i was growing up. She always expected me to take care of her in the end, and i just cant see myself doing that.

dad

Its hard 25 years later to look back and figure out why i have a hard time trying to forgive a man i barely knew. I still have wonderful memories of time spent with him, but how do i go about trying to forgive him. He was by his friends accounts a good man, loved his wife, adored his kids and tried to always be himself. His exwife still loves him to this day, but hates him just the same. Its hard to determine after all these years just why she still harbors both sets of feelings for him. He did cheat on her right before they ended their marriage and he did die leaving their kids fatherless. I dont know if she hasnt forgiven him for leaving us kids, or not giving her the satisfaction of being able to get over loving him like she did. As his son, I have needed a father at times more then anything but due to the circumstances i always had to figure it out on my own. The part that gets me even years later is why did he have to go, so many questions about generational demons like drinking that i could have used his help about, just having him at my games during high school, being there for my wedding day, birth of my children, and coming home from my tours in Iraq.

Someone once asked me why I like the cold so much....(not many people know this)The reason i like the cold so much is the last memory I have of my dad was him laying in the casket at the hughes funeral home in west side, and kissing him on the forehead to say goodbye before we left the funeral home and started with his actual funeral. I always like the cold cause it is the last bit of memory and the only way I can still be connected to my father.

After 25 years, lots of mistakes, heartaches, and just bad things...but dont forget all the good things as well. I went to vist my father's grave and sat down for a bit and just talked to him as if he was there. I made the decision to forgive him. I cannot change what happened with him, and through all my trials and tribulations I hope i have turned out to be a good man, good father, and good friend.

Fighting the demons

I am going to try and post as much as I can when I have time. Things are not always good in my life, and recently I am not sure who I see in the mirror each morning. Thre are days when i know the man and many other days when i have no clue who that man is or where he came from. Things have prompted me to figure out who that man in the mirror really is. Unfortunatly that means I am going to have to start at the beginning and go through all of my demons to find out. Not something I am looking forward to, since i know how much bad shit i have been through in my life and what i have done to people. I will hope to have enough support and courage from my close friends that they will read what I write and not judge me or take offense to anything that is written. Its not about them but what goes through my head...I hope they understand