inner workings of my mind

There are times that looking in the mirror other then to shave, that I dont want to do. When I look in the mirror I have no clue who that man is looking back at me. He looks like me, but yet he doesnt seem like me at all.

Take away my children, and there are days Im not sure about anything. I will say that my children are what keeps me sane, sound, and in control. I have to maintain control for them, I dont want them to look at me the way I still look at my mom, and I will NEVER put them through the hell she put me through.

I push them with school all the time, Yes they are my kids and talented with sports but I would rather have them get a full academic scholarship then have to use sports to get anywhere. Not saying that they cant be both, but being a student athlete, the student part is pushed much harder.

I look around my house, and I see all of these material possesion that make me wonder who is living in my house. Growing up I never really cared about the material things I didnt have and was always content to just try and be happy.

The other day my Soldiers and I got into a conversation about the holidays. One of them asked me if while deployed I missed the holidays and all i replied with was I missed my kids and their enjoyment...nothing more. I hate the holidays..

When I thought about the conversation I thought long and hard as to why I hate the holidays. It finally occurred to me why I hate the holidays, and there are two reasons...one is going to stay with me since I dont feel like telling, and the other is thats when I noticed that I was not getting treated the same as Brian and Adam. I noticed that Brian always got the new stuff and the stuff he wanted, and Adam always got a lot more then me..but it was always more expensive. It wasnt the amount or the price that bothered me it was the way that my family treated both of them v. how they treated me.

Great case in point is my aunt char...she has always favored my older brother and even at my older two daughters Bday party brought up that she still feels that my mother favored me over them. While she was standing with my Brian. Who on earth brings that kind of crap up...its things like that, as to the reason that I didnt want to come home. Its years and years later and she still cant get over the fact that I was better then anyone else in the family at sports, even her precious son....( jason and I dont compete anymore so neither of us care) Yes my mother favored me with sports, but why shouldnt she, I was the one out there playing the sports and excelling at them. She should back her son who was good at sports.


I work my ass off with the army..I deal with shit that most of the people I know couldnt deal with or they would have joined the army. I deal with injuries that would have crippled a lesser man, and I know this..its a constant reminder that Im either crazy or I love my kids that much....personally I think its a bit of both..